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Posts Tagged ‘chemotherapy’

It’s bad, when the fear sets in faith walks out. And faith has been missing for few days now. I am living in constant fear that multiple lesions will appear in my liver, heart, lungs, kidneys and doctor will blame me for not opting for chemotherapy. Have i commited a blunder by chosing this path of treatment? Did I make a mistake that is irreversible? These thoughts stalk my mind, and then I look at my son and feel even miserable because I have unfinished business of raising him. Will I leave him halfway through? I don’t want him to hold my hands, i don’t want him to hug  me and feel comfortable, I don’t want him to miss me when I am gone. But he doesn’t know, he doesn’t understand that I am battling cancer, though he prays to God to heal me and take my “boo-boo” away, but will God listen?

Yesterday, after 3 days of severe constipation, Visited Dr Behbehani at Al Salam. Isn’t it a wonder when half your fears fly away when you see a doctor? Then he ‘examined’ me, ouch! That was really painful, my ass is still hurting fRom proctoscopy, Dr Behbehani has asked me to undergo colonoscopy as he saw some blood.

Well, that’s what happened so far, I am desperately counting days for October 15, so that my cancer markers will be done at KCCC.

In other newa
* completed 17 years in Kuwait on August 10.
* Revived my old blog, been blogging regularly there (completely cut off from my rock blog which is proving to be good)
* Wife has been driving on the ring roads, she’s good and learning fast.
* got myself galaxy s3, this post is blogged from phone.
* company doesnt care about my existence which again is a good thing.
* Been praying regularly (often rather) feel good to be back with God. I know He missed me.

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This has been yet another eventful week, although this one has been a bit calmer than the previous ones. As I blogged earlier after two tensed weeks finally it boiled down to which path of chemotherapy to choose, we have been praying to God to guide us.

So I wrote a mail to Dr Adwait couple of days ago, (since he is the one who originally thought that I needed 12 cycles of chemotherapy after my liver resection) I put it in very simple words that ‘Dr B has now agreed to administer Chemo, but he is still of the opinion that I should wait and watch, please advise’. And he replied the next day in even simpler words saying “Dear Santosh, I would agree with Dr. B under present circumstances. Watch and Wait for now then”

Well, that was the end of this incredibly chaotic chemotherapy ordeal, finally both my oncologists were of the same opinion that I should wait and watch. Now the words ‘WAIT AND WATCH’ are a bit scary, as the next CTscan is scheduled for October 1st, which seems like a long time. Am I confident that it will pass? Yes I am, unlike the previous times now I am imagining myself as an Israelite in Egypt who had to place blood of the lamb on the door so that the plague would Passover, likewise I am placing the blood of the lamb (of God) on my head and walking in confidence that this walk through the valley of the shadow of death is ending.

Though it’s quite difficult to follow the ‘narrow road’ after speeding on the “highway” for the last 5 years, but God has been kind in weaning me and I am glad He found me in the right time. If I make it, I will consider this life as an credit from God and will do everything possible in my strength to give it back (although there is nothing I can give back).

In Other news

  • I have started a Gospel rock blog (as I don’t believe in praising God through pirated/borrowed music) I pray that God will lead me.
  • I am not considering to joining work for a while asMarinamall is filled with secondhand smoke from the shesha shops and I am a bit worried about it.
  • My wife gifted me a Samsung Galaxy S3, ever since my son hardly talks to us, he is 24X7 on the phone playing games.
  • Wife has started driving regularly these days, though she gives minor heart attacks while driving, I am very confident in her that she’s going to be a good driver.

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What would be your reaction, if your oncologist told you that there are two treatment paths, but it is up to you to select one?

Dilemma, chaos, uncertainty, confusion, frustration, anger..

These are the few emotions I am undergoing right now.. Wanna know why?

After Dr B disagreed to administer Chemo, I approached Dr Behebehani for third opinion, he assured that I needed chemo and would discuss it with the “Head” of KCCC. (I am highlighting ‘head’ because Dr N at KCCC is highly reputed doctor with over 25years of experience) After much waiting over a week, finally Dr N answered that ‘KCCC would administer chemo.. although expected benefit is questionable

So today morning I met with Dr B,  he said that he had discussed my case with HoD and explained  the situation to us. Told us the pros and cons of Chemotherapy (Treatment plan A) and the pros and cons of ‘Observation’ (Treatment Plan B) and then said ‘it’s your body, since you are one of the few colon cancer cases who has successfully recovered from liver resection, We are not sure how chemotherapy will benefit you, will it kill the cancer cells or will it damage your liver / other vital organs, we don’t know. It’s all a guess, if you ask me I’d say lets  monitor you closely (cancer markers/CT scan) for the next 3 months and then check if the disease has relapsed, if so then we still have 3 more drugs that could help us with the treatment. Choice is yours, as a patient I respect your decision to opt for chemo or not‘.

It felt like after waiting for a week I was back to square one all again …

So what I am suppose to do now? I don’t know, I honestly don’t know, but … I have left it to God, I know God speaks, he spoke loud and clear in my ears that ‘YOU ALL WILL BE GUIDED’ .. but that was in 1993, I have lost and found him several times since then. But this time I want him to speak to me again…. desperately.

Meanwhile I am reading ‘Hope in the face of Cancer‘ by Dr Amy Givler. Amazing book, felt as if I was reading through the pages from my experience throughout this ordeal. If you are a cancer fighter or know someone who is battling cancer, I highly recommend you to read this book. It is very helpful in dealing with the situations that are beyond your understanding, and also renews your spirit to fight cancer and not give up.

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Here’s what happened after the last post, KRAS report finally came and I was administered my first doze of Chemotherapy on 20th of June. Finally on 24th of June I  came back to Kuwait to be with my family. Oh Boy Oh Boy! My son has grown so much in last two months, it was like seeing a new person altogether. He definitely missed me so much because for the last two months he has been not going to any malls since my wife doesn’t drive.

Visited Dr B at KCCC only to be shocked that he is of the opinion that I don’t require chemotherapy ‘since I am out of cancer’ . It didn’t make sense to me while all the other doctors have been advising chemotherapy, only Dr B is of the opinion that I do not require chemotherapy. Which means I will have to shuttle from Kuwait to India 11 times which also means our finances will be drained and physically I will be so stressed with all that travelling.

Well, Yesterday I underwent yet another CT scan at Dar Al Shifa Kuwait, and the Result has been good. No cancer detected in any part of my body. And the CEA result is good too. Prior to the liver resection it was 3.08 now its’ 0.99. We visited Dr Abdullah Behbahani at Al Salam Hospital who too was the opinion that I should continue with chemotherapy and has promised that he would speak to someone at KCCC so that my chemo will go on schedule.

Since then we have been praying… YES PRAYING!! I have finally surrendered. I have been holding myself back from God all this time, sometimes questioning, sometime arguing, and sometimes even questioning his existence.  But no more, I changed, I had to change, I couldn’t carry the burden anymore. I have been bitter ever since I was diagnosed with Cancer, I’ve been reckless because I was mighty upset at the fact that I had to leave this life at its prime. May be I needed counselling but when I look back I have not dealt with the situation well. Finally after the liver resection I gave up, I couldn’t hang on to the world anymore for all its glory.  Got rid of my rock blog, got rid of facebook (though pretty much active on twitter) and got rid of all that negative Metal Music that has been affecting my life. Yes it’s a total surrender, no conditions apply.

After watching the events that have unfolded in last two months, I have no reason whatsoever to doubt God now, may be I am a fool to my atheist friends, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’d rather be a fool for God than be a fool that does not believe in God.

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It’s been a month since I have not documented any of the latest developments, reason being i’ve been in and out of hospitals almost every week, also I don’t have access to internet and I hate to blog from my phone. So here’s what happened

I got admitted at the Joy hospital Chembur on 18th of May and on 19th underwent Liver resection and removal of gall bladder. Stayed at the hospital for a week and then was discharged without any complications which I’m told quite common during liver surgery.

Also underwent yet another surgery for chemotherapy port installation as Dr Adwaita Gore insisted that I should undergo chemotherapy for a while.

But then real hell broke lose, I was told by Dr Adwait to give my Samples to one Mr Santosh Ingle at Merck group Mumbai, who in turn gave it to Unique health Care (Reliance Life Sciences)  Parel, who apparently LOST my samples and delayed the result for 9 days and then “miraculously” found the samples and have been delaying my KRAS test for over 18 days now. Funny thing is every time I call the lab the technician one Mr Ramesh keeps pushing time, If I call him in the morning he says I will update you in the evening (which never happens) when I call him in the evening he pushes it to next day, So far out of the 4 blocks that I had given 3 have been turned negative (without cancer cells) and today I will be told if the final block has any cancer cell in it or not (which is very unlikely).

Never in my life i have been this depressed, I can’t imagine that there are people in Medical profession who could hold you for ransom like this, What ever happened to the good will?  In this difficult time I had to visit my ailing mother in Mangalore who recently undergone brain hemmorage surgery and was quite sad to see her son like this.

Now that I am back in Mumbai and about to miss my wife’s birthday which is tomorrow (thanks to Reliance life sciences) I am looking for plan B which is collect my blocks from my CA Colon surgery (which too has no cancer cells it seems according to the Lab in KCC) and send it to SRL Ranbaxy in Andheri, and hope that the KRAS test will be done in time

In other news,

* I quit my rock blog after 2 million hits I just gave up on it, don’t feel like blogging anymore, but I am planning to build something greater than it, which will be dedicated to God.

* Visited the land that I had purchased in Mangalore, Must build a house there and call it ‘Hall of fame’

* Shirley Aunt and Godwin uncle and Sairith have been the same old people they are, my guardian angels, As i have said before there are no words to thank them enough.

* Thank God for some good friends, who are very humble and kind and have been helping every step of the way.

* Thank God for some stupid relatives, life is better now that I have totally distanced them.

More about me once I go back to Kuwait…

Meanwhile Keep the faith… If God can stop Sun from setting for 24 hours (Joshua 10: 12-14) he can do anything … all you have to do is just ask !

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Well there’s been lot happening lately in my so called boring life.. here are the few events that I feel I should record

Event 1: As I said earlier, I found out that the store Manager has been in talks with the management to get me out of work. We have never been in good terms for the last 9 years we’ve been working together. Let me say it in words ‘He’s a jerk’ who does not respect any human being (or else he wouldn’t be having two wives). But I did write a long email to the management asking them on what basis they want to fire me when the Manager’s wife (who is also my co-worker) is a breast cancer patient too. Since then HR Manager who has never met me before called me to ask what is going on at work and as you know I botched up the entire talk because I SUCK AT TALKING.

Event2: Couple of days ago, it was raining. Since it never rains in Kuwait everyone just suck at driving in rain. While me being extra cautious just to get home as I have this deadly urge for ‘nature’s call’ realized that “this guy” has just banged my car. We both get out of the car, the guy admits that it’s his mistake, we both park on the wayside and Suddenly this Egyptian vendor appears from nowhere and starts to haggle saying ‘It’s nothing, tiny scratch ask him for 10KD” meanwhile I could hear him talking to “this guy” saying  “I spoke to him, don’t give him more than 5KD”. I call this imbecile and ask him ‘Who are you?, he starts to mumble. Boy!! I got so wild and gave him a piece of my mind. So this guy now offers me 5KD, I say no way.. meanwhile an Indian gets down from “this guys” car and begs me to take 5KD because he was helping him to get home. Now I am seriously confused about what’s happening and need to get home ASAP because due to surgery I can’t ‘hold’ for much longer. Then ‘this guy’ explains to me that he picked up a stranger from the street because it was raining and unfortunately banged my car. Sensing that this could get nowhere I just told him to Keep his 5KD for himself and drove home. Only the next day I figured that the scratch is bigger than I thought and might cost me more than 25KD.

Event3: So I am buying land in India, since my parents think I might die soon and want to pass my inheritance to my son, I thought of building my own home (although I invested a lot of money in my parents home, which BTW doesn’t count according to my mother) So I fell short of few bucks since the deal was taking place during Christmas, I happen to borrow KD200 from my uncle, Today when I returned the money he said ‘You borrowed KD300″ .. Boy O’ Boy!! this is a shocker, although I failed miserably at not showing my emotions I said “oh really? Sorry I forgot, Will pay you by tomorrow morning’ . Now I seriously don’t want to offend my uncle over KD 100, he has taken care of us while I was in India (although we had to distance him because he got too close and personal).

So that’s the story so far.. Oh I forgot, today is my last day of Chemotherapy Cycle #5. Since my platelets nose-dived my dosage has been reduced to 75%. 6th cycle will commence on 13th of February .. More updates later if I find time.

Just one more thing … My other blog is ranked #48 in the world which make all the unfortunate events go away 🙂

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Kicking the Dying

Well, new year and Christmas was fun, had one of the most memorable time of my life, specially watching my boy get grow day by day is fun, God he is so full of life, wish I had another one So that the joy would have been double haha!

Well, while my Chemo got cancelled again for the 4th cycle as my WBC nosedived darn!! But the real shocker was when I discovered that my company is planning to fire me because the store manager has been cooking stories about me to the management (who are located in Dubai and NEVER visit us) It had me stressed out like hell. While my heart was pounding like mad, guess I over stressed myself at work and my WBC and platelets have fallen down to the lowest.

I have lost faith, this is not good. This definitley NOT good.

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Remember when Jacob wrestled God, and God had to touch the socket of his hip and ask Jacob to let go? yeah! something like that is happening in my life. To be honest I am not religious anymore, I used to be a fanatic once upon a time,but then learnt how to balance ‘life’ and ‘Religion’, anyways.. at present I am undergoing Capepox regimen at KCC (Kuwait Cancer Center). On 26th of October I underwent the second cycle, for the first time I was alone and I was feeling really depressed about it. May be because Aunt Shirley has been accompanying me every time I went to hospital. I SMS’d her saying I was at the hospital and she replied that ‘God is with You, I am praying for you’. And tears just burst out, She’s not my mother but she has given so much love to me that I feel so blessed.

All my stress went away once the Oxaliplatin was administered, it wasn’t painful, Actually I slept like a baby till the procedure was over and then went to work as well. So right now I have issues with constipation, but that’s OK I guess, I have few more months for my cancer Graduation, which means I will be wrestling God throughout this period until he touches my hip socket and blesses me with good health and extended life.

I have no intentions to lose this fight!!

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I’ve been lazy, but I’d like to call it mood swings, So on 4th of October I was administered oxaliplatin  at Joy Hospital Chembur. And by God’s grace I had no side effects. So I will be undergoing a 8 cycle ‘Capepox regimen’ for the next few months. So, myIndia trip went well, I did go out for some gigs and enjoyed as well, unlike my previous radiation+chemo regime where I was under house arrest for almost 2 months.

 

So here I am back inKuwait, My family is happy to see me again. I can surely tell Jayden missed me, because he was screaming on top of voice ‘Dada I love you’ at the airport (Or may be because he knew that I brought him ‘tumblin monkeys’ toy fromIndia)

 

I will continue my medication here inKuwaitat the KCC, they say it is the best cancer hospital in theMiddle east. Hope all goes well. Because the vein is still paining from Oxaliplation, So I guess by the time I get 7 more of those my hands will be in lot of pain, but it’s all OK. I met Dr Kamran Khan prior to coming toKuwait, he was happy to see me. Told him about few complications that I have, he asked me not worry about them, but get proper exercise to body as exercise makes lot of different in cancer survivors, I think I am going to do exactly the same.

 

Will be resuming to work tomorrow, not sure how often I am going to update this blog, but all is well, because God has been going ahead of me every step of the way. (May be I should give testimony about my situation at church)

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This blogpost is dedicated to my wife,

So as the title says ‘ I didn’t have to die to go to heaven, I just had to go home‘  (Lyric from Heaven by 3 doors down)

So here’s what happened since August 21st.

After meeting Dr Nilesh who is my medical oncologist at Joy hospital, I was  told that ‘all wounds must be healed before the chemotherapy begins’ . Now, since my ileostomy reversal wound had developed puss and wasn’t healing Dr Kamran advised me to get the wound re-stitched again . Ouch !! I know, So Dr Sachin did the needful on August 24th and said that I should let it heal for at least 20 days. SHITT!!!

Now that I had reached the thresh hold of my depression level and aunty Shirley and Uncle Godwin too had gone on 4 days vacation to Mangalore, I couldn’t wait to see my family any longer, so my darling wife booked me a first class ticket and I was home after an exhausting 10 hour journey. But then …. I saw him coming charging towards me at the airport and I knelt down, He hugged me so hard and said ‘Dada, I missed you’ !! and I can tell you, I will fight every damn cancer cell if I have to, I just don’t want to miss my family again. I know God will take care of the situation.

Meanwhile, I am so glad to be back home, Wife has been taking utmost care, I can’t bless the Lord enough for such a wonderful person in my life. (Yeah, she gets ticked when I talk about my mother, but that’s OK, I didn’t ask for a total flawless wife 😆 )

Good news, My shop is under renovation, so I didn’t miss much work. I hope to resume for few days before I head to India for Chemotherapy. Also enjoying driving in Kuwait. I hated being under house arrest during the incessant rains in Bombay.

Nothing more to update now… if you stumbled on this blog for any reason.. Eat fibres, Pray, Love your family, God takes care of every tiny bit of your life.

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