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Pain, Moon and God

I’m in pain, a lot of it, feels like every inch of my body is beaten badly. But that’s OK I guess, my capepox regimen is in its final cycle. That’s right, surprisingly all my blood reports were normal on 13th of Feb (wherein I was expecting a disaster) So I got my final dose of Oxaliplatin administered which was quite painful for some reason. Went straight to work after the chemo, trust me being a shoe salesman is not easy while undergoing chemotherapy. You encounter jerks (read customers) all the time who are unhappy with you because 1) You look like shit for the next three days and not paying attention to their shitty demands 2) you are not in a mood to do anything yet are helpless but work to earn your daily bread. Anyways, thanks to my good co-worker Jenn somehow I pulled through these 3 days, but unable to sleep because of body ache. Anyways like every bad thing this shall pass.

Got an CT scan coming up on 11th of March, I guess my days will be bad until the results are out only on 28th of March. Must come up with a plan not to get mindfvcked till then.

Lots of developments happening at work place which I will write some other day, nevertheless I have made up my mind to move on. I feel I wasted 9 years of my youth working for this shithole of a company.

Today is my son’s annual day at school, quite stoked about him singing on the stage in a flowery dress.  Hope the day goes well, Hope the bloody winter gets over soon.. Desperately need to feel the sun.

Talking about Sun, here’s a joke that happened the other day

Wife (teaching bible to Jay on our way to Sunday school): God So loved the world he gave his only Son….

Jayden: Mother, who gave the Moon?

😆 😆 😆

Series of Unfortunate events

Well there’s been lot happening lately in my so called boring life.. here are the few events that I feel I should record

Event 1: As I said earlier, I found out that the store Manager has been in talks with the management to get me out of work. We have never been in good terms for the last 9 years we’ve been working together. Let me say it in words ‘He’s a jerk’ who does not respect any human being (or else he wouldn’t be having two wives). But I did write a long email to the management asking them on what basis they want to fire me when the Manager’s wife (who is also my co-worker) is a breast cancer patient too. Since then HR Manager who has never met me before called me to ask what is going on at work and as you know I botched up the entire talk because I SUCK AT TALKING.

Event2: Couple of days ago, it was raining. Since it never rains in Kuwait everyone just suck at driving in rain. While me being extra cautious just to get home as I have this deadly urge for ‘nature’s call’ realized that “this guy” has just banged my car. We both get out of the car, the guy admits that it’s his mistake, we both park on the wayside and Suddenly this Egyptian vendor appears from nowhere and starts to haggle saying ‘It’s nothing, tiny scratch ask him for 10KD” meanwhile I could hear him talking to “this guy” saying  “I spoke to him, don’t give him more than 5KD”. I call this imbecile and ask him ‘Who are you?, he starts to mumble. Boy!! I got so wild and gave him a piece of my mind. So this guy now offers me 5KD, I say no way.. meanwhile an Indian gets down from “this guys” car and begs me to take 5KD because he was helping him to get home. Now I am seriously confused about what’s happening and need to get home ASAP because due to surgery I can’t ‘hold’ for much longer. Then ‘this guy’ explains to me that he picked up a stranger from the street because it was raining and unfortunately banged my car. Sensing that this could get nowhere I just told him to Keep his 5KD for himself and drove home. Only the next day I figured that the scratch is bigger than I thought and might cost me more than 25KD.

Event3: So I am buying land in India, since my parents think I might die soon and want to pass my inheritance to my son, I thought of building my own home (although I invested a lot of money in my parents home, which BTW doesn’t count according to my mother) So I fell short of few bucks since the deal was taking place during Christmas, I happen to borrow KD200 from my uncle, Today when I returned the money he said ‘You borrowed KD300″ .. Boy O’ Boy!! this is a shocker, although I failed miserably at not showing my emotions I said “oh really? Sorry I forgot, Will pay you by tomorrow morning’ . Now I seriously don’t want to offend my uncle over KD 100, he has taken care of us while I was in India (although we had to distance him because he got too close and personal).

So that’s the story so far.. Oh I forgot, today is my last day of Chemotherapy Cycle #5. Since my platelets nose-dived my dosage has been reduced to 75%. 6th cycle will commence on 13th of February .. More updates later if I find time.

Just one more thing … My other blog is ranked #48 in the world which make all the unfortunate events go away 🙂

Kicking the Dying

Well, new year and Christmas was fun, had one of the most memorable time of my life, specially watching my boy get grow day by day is fun, God he is so full of life, wish I had another one So that the joy would have been double haha!

Well, while my Chemo got cancelled again for the 4th cycle as my WBC nosedived darn!! But the real shocker was when I discovered that my company is planning to fire me because the store manager has been cooking stories about me to the management (who are located in Dubai and NEVER visit us) It had me stressed out like hell. While my heart was pounding like mad, guess I over stressed myself at work and my WBC and platelets have fallen down to the lowest.

I have lost faith, this is not good. This definitley NOT good.

Betrayal

There is no greater pain than being betrayed by your own body.so my chemotherapy got cancelled again last week due to low platelets. It was 65 on 7th, 66 on 14th raised by JUST 1count, well that was very depressing, I’ve been very rude this week, I can’t stop profanities in my language. May be I look ok but deeply depressed. As I write this on 21st of December, I am waiting for my blood test results. Writing this from my phone, prayer is what I need, but I seem to be walking in the valley of death and totally lost right now!! God help me please!!

Update: blood result says “platelets 87” that’s still low but good enough to start the 4th cycle. So right now I am here listening to blackie lawless sing “rubber man” from the album dying for the world while oxaliplatin is running through my veins. Also Dr Chokshi has asked me to take 5 injections to increase WBC and platelet counts.

I Just feel good right now, thank you Lord

Chasing a cure

So my chemotherapy got cancelled last week. Boy! I am pretty bummed about it, I hate delays, I want to get over and done with it. But my body is playing spoilsport, it did prior to my first surgery it’s doing it again. My platelet count went low, so Dr Bhaven adviced to postphone the 4th cycle by a week. During this week I ate like a hog, although things that I can eat are now limited to few things, I still hogged and hogged. Right now I am sitting at doctors office waiting for my turn while watching others read holy books of
their respective religions. Once again I have drifted away from God, don’t ask me why, but I know He remains faithful and find a way out for me.

50 /50

As warned earlier in one of my previous posts, I have been irregular to update here, since my real life is pretty boring, you wouldn’t wanna know it anyways

 

But if you insist on knowing what happened since Nov 14th, here’s the flashback

 

Got my CT scan report on the day of my 3rd cycle started, since Dr Chokshi had already left, I took the liberty to read the report by myself and started to tremble as the word ‘Lymph Nodes’ were written everywhere. Came home and hugged my wife and cried bitterly, but her being the ‘prudent’ wife asked me to send the report to Dr Khan and Dr Gore inIndia. Dr Gore replied after two days saying ‘the reports were normal and nothing to worry about’. Now you wouldn’t wanna know the pain I put myself for being such a jackass.

 

My 4th Cycle of capefox will start on the 7th. Since my Store manager already made an issue of being sick to the hierarchy for his own personal gains, I did push my day off to Wednesday instead of Friday and good news is my wife will be accompanying me for the first time. I really don’t want her to come as I usually take a nap at the hospital while they administer Oxaliplatin. But I can use her company I guess.

 

Meanwhile I got a tiny increment at work, I wasn’t expecting one since I have been out of work for the most part of the year, but I am thankful to the company  for being patient with me.

 

Oh ! the lines on my palms are cracking btw. Pretty painful got them taped so that I can work, hope 4th cycle goes well, this year being the coldest ever, I have terrible problem touching cold things because of the side effects. But hope God is watching and this ordeal ends on a good note

 

Also watch the movie 50 / 50 one of the most heart touching movies that I have seen in recent years.

YOU WILL DEFINITELY LOSE !

Well today was crazy brutal day! I was scheduled to undergo CT Scan at KCC. After spending a sleepless night I reached there by 6.30 am just so that I will be the first one to finish. And then I read the application it said 8AM and No scan without RFT test within a week. Luckily I had done a test at the private hospital yesterday, So I rushed all the way back to that hospital (almost 10 miles) to get that. Did a big mistake, took a wrong turn, what would have taken me 10 minutes took me nearly 45 minutes to reach. After collecting report (which were  normal by God’s grace) I rushed back to KCC.

Now they had me in shock when they asked me to pay 35KD for CT Scan where as I had just 20KD in my pocket. I was just started to get dizzy at this moment, after all that driving on empty stomach this wasn’t expected. I asked several guys if they knew where the nearest ATM was, after being misguided and landing at Maternity hospital by the seaside, I just parked the car and tried to call my wife, she did not pick the phone, after several tries I thought I couldn’t physically take this anymore, probably if I pushed myself further I might meet with an road accident. So I decided to give up and head home. Just when I WAS ABOUT TO EXIT .. I saw the ATM,just for a tiny second. JUST A TINY SECOND.Split second decision, turned the car around and withdrew money, paid the bill, got my CT scan done.

Meanwhile this male nurse groped me while I was on the CT Scan table, honestly it didn’t matter, Since my surgery I became so used to people, touching me,  giving me bath etc etc, I just ignored the dude who was taking advantage of his profession.

Anyways… what should have ended in failure was a success in the end, Just because I tried, let me say that louder BECAUSE I TRIED !!!  Somehow I am not scared of the results anymore, I had this bitter 2 weeks period where I went nuts and made my wife to breakdown. I realized that I was being a jerk with my situation, but then may be I am having mood swings because of the medication. But now I have made my peace, I am going to be as positive as Mount Everest, Gonna stand tall, No matter what!!

RelationshiT

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, A LOT.  Last week at the church pastor was talking about relationships and how to maintain them even when we think the other person is wrong etc etc, but you see if you replace the P at the end with T relationship is Relationshit which is true in most of cases regardless how saintly you are. People always dump crap on you, and by people I mean your close relatives (now you know who they are). Certain thing happened to me, My dad called me to say that they were passing my inheritance (which is a house I helped them to build) to my son. Now let me be clear, everything that I work for is for my son, I want him to have the best in life, but when my Dad said that he was writing the ‘will’ in my son’s name IT HURT! IT BLOODY HURT. I asked him if he was sure that I was going to die soon, he had no reply to that. He called me back after a while to say that they will write it in my name.

Second incident being my sister who ‘couldn’t make it to my surgery to Bombay’ because of ‘all those reasons’ has gone to stay with her sister-in-law because her brother-in-law is undergoing dialysis IN BOMBAY!. That made me realize that nothing is wrong with the world, but I am evil, may be I don’t see it, but the world thinks that I am a waste and should be discarded at the earliest. It also made me realize that no matter how many gifts you take to people  who are not your immediate family they can never be your own, be it your sister, mother, father.

After all that crying for couple of days (which I believe is happening because of  mood swings which could be the side effect of chemo) I am done with all relationships. DONE !

Wrestling God

Remember when Jacob wrestled God, and God had to touch the socket of his hip and ask Jacob to let go? yeah! something like that is happening in my life. To be honest I am not religious anymore, I used to be a fanatic once upon a time,but then learnt how to balance ‘life’ and ‘Religion’, anyways.. at present I am undergoing Capepox regimen at KCC (Kuwait Cancer Center). On 26th of October I underwent the second cycle, for the first time I was alone and I was feeling really depressed about it. May be because Aunt Shirley has been accompanying me every time I went to hospital. I SMS’d her saying I was at the hospital and she replied that ‘God is with You, I am praying for you’. And tears just burst out, She’s not my mother but she has given so much love to me that I feel so blessed.

All my stress went away once the Oxaliplatin was administered, it wasn’t painful, Actually I slept like a baby till the procedure was over and then went to work as well. So right now I have issues with constipation, but that’s OK I guess, I have few more months for my cancer Graduation, which means I will be wrestling God throughout this period until he touches my hip socket and blesses me with good health and extended life.

I have no intentions to lose this fight!!

I’ve been lazy, but I’d like to call it mood swings, So on 4th of October I was administered oxaliplatin  at Joy Hospital Chembur. And by God’s grace I had no side effects. So I will be undergoing a 8 cycle ‘Capepox regimen’ for the next few months. So, myIndia trip went well, I did go out for some gigs and enjoyed as well, unlike my previous radiation+chemo regime where I was under house arrest for almost 2 months.

 

So here I am back inKuwait, My family is happy to see me again. I can surely tell Jayden missed me, because he was screaming on top of voice ‘Dada I love you’ at the airport (Or may be because he knew that I brought him ‘tumblin monkeys’ toy fromIndia)

 

I will continue my medication here inKuwaitat the KCC, they say it is the best cancer hospital in theMiddle east. Hope all goes well. Because the vein is still paining from Oxaliplation, So I guess by the time I get 7 more of those my hands will be in lot of pain, but it’s all OK. I met Dr Kamran Khan prior to coming toKuwait, he was happy to see me. Told him about few complications that I have, he asked me not worry about them, but get proper exercise to body as exercise makes lot of different in cancer survivors, I think I am going to do exactly the same.

 

Will be resuming to work tomorrow, not sure how often I am going to update this blog, but all is well, because God has been going ahead of me every step of the way. (May be I should give testimony about my situation at church)