Wait and Watch for the Angel of death to Passover

This has been yet another eventful week, although this one has been a bit calmer than the previous ones. As I blogged earlier after two tensed weeks finally it boiled down to which path of chemotherapy to choose, we have been praying to God to guide us.

So I wrote a mail to Dr Adwait couple of days ago, (since he is the one who originally thought that I needed 12 cycles of chemotherapy after my liver resection) I put it in very simple words that ‘Dr B has now agreed to administer Chemo, but he is still of the opinion that I should wait and watch, please advise’. And he replied the next day in even simpler words saying “Dear Santosh, I would agree with Dr. B under present circumstances. Watch and Wait for now then”

Well, that was the end of this incredibly chaotic chemotherapy ordeal, finally both my oncologists were of the same opinion that I should wait and watch. Now the words ‘WAIT AND WATCH’ are a bit scary, as the next CTscan is scheduled for October 1^st, which seems like a long time. Am I confident that it will pass? Yes I am, unlike the previous times now I am imagining myself as an Israelite in Egypt who had to place blood of the lamb on the door so that the plague would Passover, likewise I am placing the blood of the lamb (of God) on my head and walking in confidence that this walk through the valley of the shadow of death is ending.

Though it’s quite difficult to follow the ‘narrow road’ after speeding on the “highway” for the last 5 years, but God has been kind in weaning me and I am glad He found me in the right time. If I make it, I will consider this life as an credit from God and will do everything possible in my strength to give it back (although there is nothing I can give back).

In Other news

• I have started a Gospel rock blog (as I don’t believe in praising God through pirated/borrowed music) I pray that God will lead me.
• I am not considering to joining work for a while asMarinamall is filled with secondhand smoke from the shesha shops and I am a bit worried about it.
• My wife gifted me a Samsung Galaxy S3, ever since my son hardly talks to us, he is 24X7 on the phone playing games.
• Wife has started driving regularly these days, though she gives minor heart attacks while driving, I am very confident in her that she’s going to be a good driver.

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The choice you make may kill you or not.

What would be your reaction, if your oncologist told you that there are two treatment paths, but it is up to you to select one?

Dilemma, chaos, uncertainty, confusion, frustration, anger..

These are the few emotions I am undergoing right now.. Wanna know why?

After Dr B disagreed to administer Chemo, I approached Dr Behebehani for third opinion, he assured that I needed chemo and would discuss it with the “Head” of KCCC. (I am highlighting ‘head’ because Dr N at KCCC is highly reputed doctor with over 25years of experience) After much waiting over a week, finally Dr N answered that ‘KCCC would administer chemo.. although expected benefit is questionable‘

So today morning I met with Dr B,  he said that he had discussed my case with HoD and explained  the situation to us. Told us the pros and cons of Chemotherapy (Treatment plan A) and the pros and cons of ‘Observation’ (Treatment Plan B) and then said ‘it’s your body, since you are one of the few colon cancer cases who has successfully recovered from liver resection, We are not sure how chemotherapy will benefit you, will it kill the cancer cells or will it damage your liver / other vital organs, we don’t know. It’s all a guess, if you ask me I’d say lets  monitor you closely (cancer markers/CT scan) for the next 3 months and then check if the disease has relapsed, if so then we still have 3 more drugs that could help us with the treatment. Choice is yours, as a patient I respect your decision to opt for chemo or not‘.

It felt like after waiting for a week I was back to square one all again …

So what I am suppose to do now? I don’t know, I honestly don’t know, but … I have left it to God, I know God speaks, he spoke loud and clear in my ears that ‘YOU ALL WILL BE GUIDED’ .. but that was in 1993, I have lost and found him several times since then. But this time I want him to speak to me again…. desperately.

Meanwhile I am reading ‘Hope in the face of Cancer‘ by Dr Amy Givler. Amazing book, felt as if I was reading through the pages from my experience throughout this ordeal. If you are a cancer fighter or know someone who is battling cancer, I highly recommend you to read this book. It is very helpful in dealing with the situations that are beyond your understanding, and also renews your spirit to fight cancer and not give up.

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Total surrender, no conditions apply.

Here’s what happened after the last post, KRAS report finally came and I was administered my first doze of Chemotherapy on 20th of June. Finally on 24th of June I  came back to Kuwait to be with my family. Oh Boy Oh Boy! My son has grown so much in last two months, it was like seeing a new person altogether. He definitely missed me so much because for the last two months he has been not going to any malls since my wife doesn’t drive.

Visited Dr B at KCCC only to be shocked that he is of the opinion that I don’t require chemotherapy ‘since I am out of cancer’ . It didn’t make sense to me while all the other doctors have been advising chemotherapy, only Dr B is of the opinion that I do not require chemotherapy. Which means I will have to shuttle from Kuwait to India 11 times which also means our finances will be drained and physically I will be so stressed with all that travelling.

Well, Yesterday I underwent yet another CT scan at Dar Al Shifa Kuwait, and the Result has been good. No cancer detected in any part of my body. And the CEA result is good too. Prior to the liver resection it was 3.08 now its’ 0.99. We visited Dr Abdullah Behbahani at Al Salam Hospital who too was the opinion that I should continue with chemotherapy and has promised that he would speak to someone at KCCC so that my chemo will go on schedule.

Since then we have been praying… YES PRAYING!! I have finally surrendered. I have been holding myself back from God all this time, sometimes questioning, sometime arguing, and sometimes even questioning his existence.  But no more, I changed, I had to change, I couldn’t carry the burden anymore. I have been bitter ever since I was diagnosed with Cancer, I’ve been reckless because I was mighty upset at the fact that I had to leave this life at its prime. May be I needed counselling but when I look back I have not dealt with the situation well. Finally after the liver resection I gave up, I couldn’t hang on to the world anymore for all its glory.  Got rid of my rock blog, got rid of facebook (though pretty much active on twitter) and got rid of all that negative Metal Music that has been affecting my life. Yes it’s a total surrender, no conditions apply.

After watching the events that have unfolded in last two months, I have no reason whatsoever to doubt God now, may be I am a fool to my atheist friends, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’d rather be a fool for God than be a fool that does not believe in God.

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